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I'm constantly setting standards that I can't even reach. I'm so confident in who I am as a person but I'm constantly criticizing my body. I feel like two totally different people. I'm either overconfident, talkative, lively Lauren, or sluggish, unconfident, mess of a person Lauren. When I'm feeling my worse I pull out all of of the clothes from my closet, trying on everything then throwing it all to the floor disgusted with my body and myself. On the flip side, when I'm happy, I clean every inch of my room and take a shower (for whatever reason, this makes me release stress, or just feel better). I'm so over the top with each personality, I have no middle ground and I feel like a big lie most of the time. I love my inner self and how I can be so charismatic, but I hate my outer self and try my best to dodge a mirror. I don't know who I am. Which takes me back to these standards I make. I break them, everyday.

I'm not saying that I have some kind of medical condition or that other people don't feel this way. I just down right hate that I can't be seen in society as my inner self. I feel so blessed to I have Frank, a man that loves me for who I am; but most of the time I feel like I look like an embarrassment and I can never understand why anyone would want me by first glance. By saying this I break all of these 'rules' I set; being physically wanted is not how I choose who I want to be with but I would like that feel attractive. What attracts me to people is their own personalities and I cannot bring myself to just think that someone is “hot,” or “sexy” by appearance. I need to know a person and pick them dry. Only then is when inner beauty shines threw their physical experience. I do not choose who I am with by “sexual attraction,” and sometimes I wonder if I even know what that really is. It's so hard for me to comprehend why people try to talk to other people because they want to have sex with them. I would hate to talk to someone with my vagina, if that makes since. I find it very low in character and extremely unattractive.

All of this is a 180 from my past. The people really knew me about 3 to 4 years ago I would probably label me as a loose druggie that had no self respect and they would be correct; but these past 2 years have had me thinking tremendously, and I want to change how I look at myself once and for all. Trying to be something I'm not because of the pain and disappointment from my past doesn't exactly cut it anymore. I like to think of myself as a young lady and should treat my body with respect before I can love it.

It would also be a plus to surround myself with more genuine hearted people. I'm tired of hearing comments on who you want to have sex with and what drugs you do. All I hear about anymore is weed, and I don't care if you think it's cool or you do it to make yourself “feel better,” it's boring, costly, and time consuming. I don't understand how someone can feel grown up and responsible when they're still lying about smoking or anything else, if it's that important to you, do it and be proud of it. There's no reason in the world to have to lie about anything, if you're ashamed that you do something, there's a red flag that it might be wrong. I'm not saying at all that I exclude people like this out of my life, but in life we have to bend our own views to adjusts and accept people for who they are. Just like my friends 3 to 4 years ago did for me. I'm not perfect in anyway, this is just a big pet peeve of mine now, and it has a lot to do with how I view my old self and how miserable I was. I'm constantly seeing loved ones go down this trend and I don't get to see or talk to them that much anymore.

I know this blog is such a whirlwind and a rant, but I really needed to get everything off of my chest. If you read any of it, thank you. Reply if you have a opinion.