fresh start.

For the past 2 years I have changed to a point, that I thought, was no return. I've been mean, judging, pessimistic, uncaring, unwilling, unhappy Lauren. I feel cold and just downright hateful at times. Maybe it could be my whole new friends, maybe it could be me shelling myself from the world; but I am over it. I'm giving myself tough love and it couldn't be a better choice.
Regardless, I've always thought I was better off as this hideous character I betrayed. People did not mess with me as much and I felt secure being straight forward with anyone. Surrounding myself with my closest friends felt as if I was sheltered from all of the evil, and cruelty I had once experienced in previous years. Instead, in my own ignorance, I became it.
I only know those who talk to me first, or the ones I'm forced to be around with. I'd regularly say that I didn't have time for people, or just learning another person. I tried so hard to protect myself from everyone and all the flaws I constantly judged them for in my head. Eventually I became lonely and mad at myself. I've been too sad and torn down from who I have become. I can't keep blaming my dad, ex-friends, and past experiences. The truth of the matter is that I hate myself, every inch of it. I can't keep trying to dodge a mirror so I can't see this 'fat, ugly thing' that I see myself as. I apologize to those who I have taken my frustrations out on. Or those I've stopped taking to because of my lack of confidence. I'm working on me everyday, trying to look in the mirror and feel free and alive with who I am on the inside and out.
This is my fresh start, new beginning, 2nd chance in this world to do it right. I'm ready for the goofy, carefree, lovable Lauren to shine threw again. No one can change me but myself. I have no one to blame anymore.

Past, you don't affect me one bit.