Bob's the kinda guy who knows just what to do

I go back all the time to my younger days. My younger self, and just the closest thing I get to a child. I miss too much of when I was 12 and 13. I grew up too fast, knew too much, and needed about anything that made me feel anything but. I hated everything about my life then, but now I miss it. I realize that my rebellion and ignorance of everything surrounding me was about the most thrill filling, gut wrenching, fun I'll have in my life time. Not eating, sitting in the dirt for countless hours with nothing but a cigarette and pen in hand, and writing non stop to myself about myself. I tried so hard not to be who I am today, I just wanted to drain away, or just possibly go away. I don't know what's saddest; That that was me, or I've come out of all of it and miss every tear and blood shed that was possibly pushed into this thing called Lauren. It took me so long to come the realization that even though everything bad and good that happened in my life, was brought upon by myself. Now I want everything back and more. I hate to think that I would just love to sit in a corner and just drink to my death, but honestly, I feel like that's all I need. I may be stupid, or just a fat girl wanting attention, but I just want the attention of my walls and the floor underneath me. I don't even need myself.
I want to want something better, powerful, rich in hope, and secure with every morsel of my body. I truly want to become Lauren Kathryn Hall, somehow. For myself, then I can keep quiet the rest of my life.

I've never written such a pathetic blog.